Memory is made of time we almost forgot. It is my life mission to instil joy into it (Scar of Dust)

灰塵 (a gray dust)

 https://thatonenoone.blogspot.com/

I was here i am here i will be here.

on a night like this. Somehow feeling sort of a loneliness I have never felt before. 

Opened my old Chome tab and seen the above blogger website on the bookmark. It was long lost in my memory but yet doucumented some of the most charishable moment of my life my childhood life. 

I am now 25 year old now. Graduated from University of Alberta with a Finance degree. Worked at Midwest Pipeline, an Oil and Gas, company from 2021 June 25th to 2023 Sep 25th, 2 years and 3 months. Had no meaning attached to whatever i was doing but just doing it in the name of money. I think I have lost myself in the process, really. I dont remember what it is like to laugh like no tomorrow, what it is like to truly enjoy a moment doing silly act with friends, what it is like to behave irresponiblilty without considering the consequences, so yes, I have lost to my youth. Time was my friend, my soulmate that would never abandon me, but just like all good things in life, it slowly distant itself. I struggle, at the most basic tasks ever. I cry with my heart, without tears. I would let the pain the suffer to corrode within me just so i can walk out of it like i am tough. Every time I walk out of it, every time. To live a miserable life seems to be the way to go, the lower i go, the higher I can enjoy when I made it. But the catch is, there no end to "Making it", I can never make it if i keep going down this path. I quit my job for what? For better hopefully, but what is better, better in what way? 

I was trading stock, more specifically 0dte SPX option iron condor. well let see how it goes, future me, if you somehow stumble on this long forgotten website. Man I should be way more drunk to be doing what I am doing, I had only a little bit of whisky mixed in tea and that was it, well also took a long hot bath, which i do enjoy very much. Is this what they call emotion swing? I feel pretty stable, just not feeling much. I think i am longing for this one thing called love. 

Being a human I am, short, disable, not good looking, not much talent. It is hard to be living in this time. But it is what it is and i am making it the best thing ever happened to me. That is how I look at every adversity in life, it is because of the bed, that made me into the strong person I am or i will be. 25 years old me is full of optimism yet lack a sense of self and purpose. 

I have about 300,000 Cad to my name at the moment thanks to the job and mom. it is all just a game, the number, My mission is to give my mom the best life for the rest of her life because that is the least a son can do for his parent. I need to focus on the main objective here, I need to be smart and merciless, be kind, be truth to thyself and loved one. It is my life mission to uplift others, one by one from the one thats closest to me, then people around me, doesn't matter enemy or lover. So when I die and feel like there are more I could have done, I know someone was once happier because of my existence. 

Enough said, If you, Dustin, are reading this. Know that I have high hope on you, wherever you are right now was the place i am dreaming to be. I am proud of you and I love you. Please understand why I am treating the 25 year old you like this. I really want to know what are you thinking when you see yourself in the mirror, is it difference than how I am looking at myself now? Have you overcame my insecurites yet? Did you wake up with that someone you call "wife". Are you happy now? 

Guess I will have to wait and see. 

Everything I do, I do it for you.